Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Minor Setbacks...

I apologize that it's been two weeks since my post, a colicky baby is not conducive to blogging in a timely manner!!

Monday at noon came quickly, the rest of the week has felt like an eternity. I couldn't hold Addison Sunday night or Monday morning without breaking down in tears, fearful that I was terribly ill and had no idea, or that our beautiful breastfeeding relationship would be taken from us... I love nursing her, I love the way she eagerly seeks me out and the sighs of relief when she fills up her little tummy. I love that she can fall asleep on my breast ANYWHERE [and we've had it happen in a few exciting places thanks to the ERGO and MobyWrap... Whole Foods, Target, the doctor's office, you name it!]. I felt a strong mix of fear and irritation this week, the latter of which I did not anticipate. I'm not sure if it was my hormones and fear or just the nonsense I encountered...

EVERYONE at the Breast Intervention center was excessively perky [and adorned with pink ribbon flair] and kept asking how I was doing today and how I was feeling- I'm talking Disney World perky... don't bring your scalpel and hollow needles around my magic milk makers and act like we're about to go on the tea cups. The nurse who confirmed my appointment Friday left me less than confident in her abilities when she couldn't tell me how long I would have to interrupt nursing on my left side, after putting me on hold twice. The radiologist who I met for my ultrasound furthered my terror in her small talk... she applauded me for breastfeeding and said, "Two kids... never had it in me, couldn't do it." ... a) Yes, you COULD HAVE and b)Why must you tell me this?!   I likened this to the thought of leaving one's child with a stranger who hates kids... in any other situation [or if my bra was nearby rather than down the hallway, surely not an accident] I would have thought, RUN! But alas, I was topless so there I lay. She turned the ultrasound on and started looking puzzled and clicking around... my lump was measuring a full centimeter smaller than on Thursday. Cancer doesn't shrink! Let's call this party off! The radiologist said this drastic change assured her it was a galactocele and after a brief pause said that we should proceed anyway. Ugh! Are you sure? Wouldn't you prefer an early lunch? No such  luck. Halfway through the procedure, the doctor drew milk into the lidocaine syringe, further assurance that this was a milk duct, that was being numbed and chopped up...ugh again! I should note that one of the highlights of having this procedure while lactating is that under my little half-gown, I had to hold my breast pads in place while tilted on my side on the table with a wedge under my shoulder... talk about awkward and uncomfortable!  The entire procedure took less than half an hour, I was taped up with steri-strips, told to not shower for 24 hours but resume normal activities immediately and promised I'd hear results by Wednesday evening.

All I could think about was getting home to Addison, I just needed to hold her and I was sure she needed me.  This confidence was half correct... she needed me, but I couldn't hold her, for two days. The discharge directions should have read, "resume normal activities with the other side of your body, and good luck where we sliced and diced you."  I suppose that doesn't sound as friendly. My poor 7-week old baby hadn't a clue why a)I left her for two hours, again and b) why I wouldn't just hold her in my left arm and bounce her as we have been for the past month and a half. She had this painful upset look in her eyes that tore me apart, as if to say, "Mommy, don't you love me? I need to snuggle in that arm... please bounce me." My sister came to stay with me once we discovered that I couldn't hold Addison at all in my left arm and holding her in my right was awkward with the swelling. We were both miserable, and I was anxious. She sensed my anxiety this week and so did my healing breasts. We both cried as I pumped and dumped a precious 9 ounces from my left breast in the 24 hours after the procedure. We both cried when she was gassy because my already overactive letdown was confused by the extra 9 ounces I had to waste as I fed her only on one side. Talk about confusing new milk makers! Five days later, I had to get up at 4am because I was leaking all over and somewhat engorged.

The nurse had placed a band-aid over the steri-strip 'X' across my breast... When it came off after my shower on Tuesday, I had a lovely horseshoe-shaped red area on each side of the 'X'. It was also so puffy that if my arm was by my side, I was pressing into the incision site, ouch. I have always been sensitive to band-aids and the cheap hospital-issued band-aid was no exception, awesome.

Wednesday came and went, I stared at my cell phone all afternoon and into the evening. Addison sensed my anxiety and stress and was equally stressed... we collectively slept almost three hours that night. I felt as though my incision site was puffy, which didn't help when no call came from the radiologist. Thursday morning I had an early dermatologist appointment, I figured she could tell me if my incision looked okay, she looks at skin all day. Her assessment was that it might be infected, or it might be irritated by the steri-strips and that I should have the radiologist look at it- just who I wanted to see again, Miss Formulafeeder Idontreturncalls. The radiologist who conducted my biopsy wasn't in that office so I had an awkward male doctor poke around at my little puffy wound site... he decided it was the allergic reaction and sent me home after taking off the steri-strips.Within a matter of hours the puffiness went down but I still had a giant itchy circle around the biopsy.

Finally , Thursday afternoon I heard from the radiologist that the lump that changed in size in a matter of four days was in fact a galactocele and was neither cancerous or precancerous. Her recommendation was to follow up with the midwife who would decide if I should leave it alone, have a needle aspiration, or have it surgically removed- talk about a spectrum of possibilities! Thankfully, my fabulous midwives value breastfeeding and avoiding interfering with the breastfeeding relationship and happily offered to leave it alone unless it becomes uncomfortable. No more needles, no more tests, no more radiologists!

Pumping for an entire week my supply was substantially more than Addison needed and I nearly drowned my already gassy, colicky baby- poor sweet girl... this week we are finally back to where we were in our progress in dealing with my oversupply. I try not to complain about my oversupply because I worry about having enough milk for Addison when I return to work in *gulp* seven weeks. I pump a little each day so John can give her a bottle with her probiotic mixed in, and some days I freeze what I pump, our goal is no formula when I go back to work, hopefully we can make it happen!

Thank you blog readers for your prayers, thoughts, support and love. Thank you for the private messages and emails, it's pretty awesome to know people are thinking of you in such a scary, tough situation. <3

Sunday, September 11, 2011

That's Not What Those are For...

Breasts are for breastfeeding, not for biopsies!

I have been breastfeeding for six weeks and four days. I have never thought about my breasts so much in my life. I am constantly thinking about them. Which one did Addison nurse from last? How many ounces do I need to pump today? Which one feels more firm? How many hours since our last nursing? Am I leaking (again!)? Do I have extra nursing pads? Am I running out of nursing pads? Can I easily nurse in this t-shirt? Did I leak on this shirt (... I'm not even out of the house yet!)? It's all about the breasts... Ten days after Addison was born, the boob-question of the day was, "Is this a plugged duct?" it certainly seemed as though overnight I acquired a large almond-shaped lump in the side of my left breast. I consulted my friend and LLL Leader, and made my husband palpate this lump roughly 5 dozen times over the weekend . With hot compresses I was more comfortable, but it was definitely the super hot shower and massaging showerhead that helped! It was nearly gone and I was relieved. Over the next few days it seemed smaller but was definitely still there... I could express milk in the shower and Addison was eating happily so in my sleepless, colicky stupor, I did what any new mom would do and ignored myself and focused on my baby. At my six-week postpartum follow-up I made sure to show my midwife. She said it felt like a plugged duct but the responsible thing to do would be to send me for an ultrasound to confirm. Ultrasound? Ack.  Ok... I can do that.

John and I left Addison with my sister the next day so he could take me for my ultrasound. Those of you who have had ultrasounds know it's a little awkward to have body parts exposed for a stranger to massage with a wand, but add lactating, leaky boobs to the mix and you have an awkward-convention! The tech only took images for a quick minute or two and then left me in the darkened room to get the radiologist to review what she had taken... for nearly half an hour. There are never clocks in these darkened rooms so you can't complain about how "she left me there for 30 minutes!" however I beat the system and had a view of the ultrasound screen timestamp in my peripheral vision... In this half-hour I wondered... did she only take a few images because it's small? because she knows what breast cancer looks like and didn't need anymore? because that's what they do? What was going on? Were they deciding who was to tell me I was sick? Was I not sick at all and they were taking their time because I wasn't urgent, I was just leaking precious milk into my silly little half-robe? What the heck was it?!

Finally the radiologist and technician came into the room... the radiologist said that it "doesn't look like cancer but." ALL YOU NEED IS A BUT to send a woman's mind spinning down a pessimistic dismal spiral of terrible possibilities. Her guess was it is a fibroid adenoma which is a fancy term for benign tumor, or a galactocele which is the snooty medical term for "plugged duct". But (there it is again!!) just to be sure, I should have a needle biopsy... soon. I guess they have to add the "soon" because who wouldn't put off a biopsy if given the chance... I'd love to schedule it for the Tuesday after never. Ugh!

This happened on Thursday and the "biopsy coordinator" (can we just say, secretary?!) was to call me Friday to schedule me for Monday... I called her because I need to get this nonsense over with. So there we have it, noon on Monday I am scheduled for a needle biopsy of my lump. I have a lump. It's not a lovely lady lump, it's an annoying female interrupting my breastfeeding lump. I haven't slept well even when Addison is quiet the past few days because my mind is absolutely racing... I can't counsel myself out of a million worries and I'm finding blogging to be cathartic so I'm going to unload a few of them onto my blogging world, irrational or not, here they are:

*I'm going to have cancer and I'm going to die. Addison will grow up with a single parent and I'll leave John to raise her. While he would do an AMAZING job, I get choked up at the thought of missing a day of her life. She is my world and I don't want to leave her, ever.

*I'll be okay but this biopsy (or the doctor) will damage something important and disrupt breastfeeding. Breastfeeding means so much to me and there is a risk that this biopsy will damage a duct therefore impacting my still-new supply.

*There is a risk that I will leak milk into my breast as a result of this biopsy- not only does that sound like gross sci-fi craziness, but that would REALLY disrupt things and be horrible if I had to have my breast sliced open to drain the milk from the biopsy gone wrong that's just floating around in my breast.

*I'll have to have this lump removed which would really disrupt Addison's breastfeeding... these are her leaky boobs. They're only big and leaky for her.

*The concept of a long hollow needle going into my breast is appalling, disgusting, scary, and gross all at the same time- eww, ouch, ick.

*Silly but: Addison will be upset tomorrow because she'll have to nurse on our less-coordinated side all night... I have to pump and toss my milk for 24-hours... those of you who breastfeed know how painful the thought of that is in itself. Ugh! All that lost milk that I don't get to give her now or save for later!

I don't know if it's growth spurt or just her sensing that I'm upset/distressed but Addison has been nursing every 30-45 minutes for the past several days... the thought of having to leave her for a few hours to have someone biopsy her milk makers makes me feel guilty. While I know the important thing is praying it isn't cancer, being a new mom who values breastfeeding as much as I do makes it that much worse.

So today, my blog readers, I selfishly ask for your prayers... and if God happens to be keeping up with the Crunchy Mama blog... Please Lord, let this procedure go well and let the results be benign.